Chapter 11: Challenges

Whew, big sigh.  This chapter has been hard for me to put into words.

I would say that I have two main challenges since my stroke.  I have lots of issues that I am learning to deal with, but those are like pesky insects in comparison to my large burdensome elephant challenges.

So, in this chapter, here’s the first:  I cry a lot!  I don’t just cry; I don’t just have tears rolling down my cheeks. I sob. My body shakes and it’s noisy! 

If something is overwhelming, I cry. 

As I mentioned before, the stroke happened in the sensory part of my brain.  So if I have any kind of sensory overload, I cry.  Too many people, too much noise, too much chaos, too much touch, too much emotion, you name it; I can’t handle it. 

(I guess I am grateful that I don’t react with some other emotion like uncontrollable laughter or intense rages.)

Anyway, this means things that many of the things I love most I now struggle doing.

Swimming.  I love to swim.  I’ve begged Larry for a pool for years!  Now, I try getting in the pool and start to cry!  Ridiculous!  Too much water surrounding me, touching me and I don’t know how to cope.

Music.  I used to use music to exercise with, do my chores to, lift my spirits, and touch my soul.  Now music becomes painful.  It still touches me, but it also overwhelms me.  We have season tickets to the Broadway musicals at the Capital Theater in SLC.  After a couple of attempts, I have had to give them up….for now.  I am too distracting for those around me trying to enjoy the show.  And unfortunately I ruin it for Larry too.

Church.  Now that’s a big one.  I need the Spirit of Lord with me to help me deal with my new life.  Even though I cry every week, this is one I will not give up.  With Larry’s (usually appreciated) motivation, every week I go to church—full of anxiety.

Many of the people in my ward must wonder what my problem is. It seems like so much going on, people visiting, organ music playing! I’m on the verge of tears by the time I walk into the chapel and as soon as I feel the spirit—waterworks. And I won’t shut myself off from feeling the spirit; what’s the purpose in going otherwise?

I sometimes cry myself dry by the end of the meeting. I hope the congregation doesn’t think I’m upset at Larry or something! Right now I’m only making it to sacrament meeting. I’m still trying to build up the courage and strength to go to the rest of my Sunday meetings but so far it’s more than I can take. The crying exhausts me! But, I know I’ll get there in time.

I also have anxiety now.  I struggle to do even the smallest things. 

Leaving my house to go to the Post Office and mail Kyle a package is a BIG deal.  I end up sending it weeks after it is ready to mail.

Reaching out to people is a BIG deal.

Coping with spur of the moment issues, which is just a part of everyday life, is now a BIG deal.  “Mom, I need…” And I break down and cry.  My brain can’t deal, can’t process how to respond, so I just cry.

I was a very independent woman before this.  I think part of this challenge is for me to learn to rely on others.  I am also much more sympathetic with anyone who struggles with fears.  I’ve learned lots of things can feel scary.

I am pushing myself to leave my house and if I cry, I cry.  This is who I am now.  Hopefully not for the rest of my life, but I need to deal with it in case it is.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am not really embarrassed by my crying anymore.  But I also don’t want to draw attention away from whatever should be the focus.

Please know that I may not always reach out to you because I’m just trying so hard to keep it together and not cry.  But, I really want to keep my friendships. You are all important to me.

Part of sharing all this is so you understand.  Where is Cathy?  Why isn’t she going to church, to wedding receptions, etc?

What can you do for me or for your friend or family member who had a stroke?  Don’t feel awkward about reaching out.  I really appreciate a “Hi.”  A squeeze on the arm or a pat on the shoulder helps.  Don’t feel you have to do it all the time, just every now and then.  It’s a great emotional boost.

Thanks for listening, for understanding…it makes the journey easier.