Chapter 12: Blessings

I think with any challenge or trial in our lives that it is important to look for the good things that are happening.  No time in life is a complete disaster.  Though I admit that there have times that it has been hard for me to find the good.  I've had to look a little harder and pray more often to find the Lord's blessings in my challenges.

But I know He is always there.  I know that there are always blessings and tender mercies extended my way if I just look for them and recognize them.
I have had a few health improvements from my stroke.  Yes, it’s true, I have had some positive in the health area too.

I used to struggle with some sciatica pain on my left side.  After my stroke, my left side has been pretty numb.  So, no more sciatica pain!  After two years, unfortunately the sciatica pain is coming back.  But, that means my left side is awakening again.  So it's all good.

Another wonderful blessing has been the end of my migraines!  I used to get a severe migraine headache once a month.  Yes, it was at that time of month.  I guess in a way I was blessed because I knew exactly when it was coming, so I never planned anything on that day.  But, I am very grateful that I no longer have them.  

I don't know if the migraines were a symptom or warning sign of my stroke.  The doctors never indicated this was the case.  I don't know if the migraines started from the sensory part of my brain or from my left side.  But, whatever the reason, this is a wonderful thing.  I am so grateful that my migraines are gone.

I am grateful for the blessings I continue to receive as I go through this new life.  I am continually looking for the Lord’s hand in my life.  I know He blesses me more than I often recognize.

Chapter 11: Challenges

Whew, big sigh.  This chapter has been hard for me to put into words.

I would say that I have two main challenges since my stroke.  I have lots of issues that I am learning to deal with, but those are like pesky insects in comparison to my large burdensome elephant challenges.

So, in this chapter, here’s the first:  I cry a lot!  I don’t just cry; I don’t just have tears rolling down my cheeks. I sob. My body shakes and it’s noisy! 

If something is overwhelming, I cry. 

As I mentioned before, the stroke happened in the sensory part of my brain.  So if I have any kind of sensory overload, I cry.  Too many people, too much noise, too much chaos, too much touch, too much emotion, you name it; I can’t handle it. 

(I guess I am grateful that I don’t react with some other emotion like uncontrollable laughter or intense rages.)

Anyway, this means things that many of the things I love most I now struggle doing.

Swimming.  I love to swim.  I’ve begged Larry for a pool for years!  Now, I try getting in the pool and start to cry!  Ridiculous!  Too much water surrounding me, touching me and I don’t know how to cope.

Music.  I used to use music to exercise with, do my chores to, lift my spirits, and touch my soul.  Now music becomes painful.  It still touches me, but it also overwhelms me.  We have season tickets to the Broadway musicals at the Capital Theater in SLC.  After a couple of attempts, I have had to give them up….for now.  I am too distracting for those around me trying to enjoy the show.  And unfortunately I ruin it for Larry too.

Church.  Now that’s a big one.  I need the Spirit of Lord with me to help me deal with my new life.  Even though I cry every week, this is one I will not give up.  With Larry’s (usually appreciated) motivation, every week I go to church—full of anxiety.

Many of the people in my ward must wonder what my problem is. It seems like so much going on, people visiting, organ music playing! I’m on the verge of tears by the time I walk into the chapel and as soon as I feel the spirit—waterworks. And I won’t shut myself off from feeling the spirit; what’s the purpose in going otherwise?

I sometimes cry myself dry by the end of the meeting. I hope the congregation doesn’t think I’m upset at Larry or something! Right now I’m only making it to sacrament meeting. I’m still trying to build up the courage and strength to go to the rest of my Sunday meetings but so far it’s more than I can take. The crying exhausts me! But, I know I’ll get there in time.

I also have anxiety now.  I struggle to do even the smallest things. 

Leaving my house to go to the Post Office and mail Kyle a package is a BIG deal.  I end up sending it weeks after it is ready to mail.

Reaching out to people is a BIG deal.

Coping with spur of the moment issues, which is just a part of everyday life, is now a BIG deal.  “Mom, I need…” And I break down and cry.  My brain can’t deal, can’t process how to respond, so I just cry.

I was a very independent woman before this.  I think part of this challenge is for me to learn to rely on others.  I am also much more sympathetic with anyone who struggles with fears.  I’ve learned lots of things can feel scary.

I am pushing myself to leave my house and if I cry, I cry.  This is who I am now.  Hopefully not for the rest of my life, but I need to deal with it in case it is.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am not really embarrassed by my crying anymore.  But I also don’t want to draw attention away from whatever should be the focus.

Please know that I may not always reach out to you because I’m just trying so hard to keep it together and not cry.  But, I really want to keep my friendships. You are all important to me.

Part of sharing all this is so you understand.  Where is Cathy?  Why isn’t she going to church, to wedding receptions, etc?

What can you do for me or for your friend or family member who had a stroke?  Don’t feel awkward about reaching out.  I really appreciate a “Hi.”  A squeeze on the arm or a pat on the shoulder helps.  Don’t feel you have to do it all the time, just every now and then.  It’s a great emotional boost.

Thanks for listening, for understanding…it makes the journey easier.