Chapter 3: In the Fog

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I awoke Sunday morning in the fog—or at least that’s how it felt. Everything was surreal. Here’s how my new reality started: going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. I had to beep for the nurse to come in and detach me from all my many wires. Then, she helped me walk to the bathroom and showed me the little bar I could hold on to. I definitely wanted to do this by myself. But, what an ordeal!

Imagine trying to pull down your undies when you think both arms are pushing, but one isn’t; imagine trying to unroll the TP with the left arm, believing you are doing it, and then finding that nothing at all is happening. You’re trying to do it; you think you’re doing it; and then you look down to find there is no TP in your hand and your hand is just hanging there doing nothing. This was the first of many times I instinctively tried to do something and found my left side not cooperating! Still, I was less frustrated than you might think. My “brain fog” kept everything at a distance and I kind of just watched the show. Thank goodness, probably. I think I would have freaked out had I realized how bad things were at this point.

Extended family members arrived at my hospital room first thing in the morning, followed shortly by the worried and loving face of my husband. It was so good to see him! I didn’t realize how much I depended on his emotional strength until he wasn’t there when I needed him. Just having him there was a huge comfort.

Unfortunately, Larry told me later that he couldn’t really tell how glad I was to see him. The left side of my face was paralyzed and drooping; my left arm and left leg were nearly as paralyzed; and most of all, I was lost in the fog. So while I was happy and relieved to have Larry there, as far as he could tell I took it for granted. The Cathy he left a few days before wasn’t “all there.”

Devin arrived at the hospital shortly after Larry. All my boys were by my side. Boys aren’t always the best at showing they love you and care. But now they were so supportive and loving! It’s at times like these: unexpected, uncertain, scary, when we realize how important family is. I am so grateful that I was living near family when all of this happened.

Family was just the start. I had been worried that nobody would care that I was in the hospital. Nobody would even miss me! Larz had brought me my cell phone the night before. So, struggling with my right hand, I had been able to text a few people. The word spread. Instead of nobody … Wow! I felt overwhelmed and thankful for all the love and support I received from all my family and many, many friends. I have debated whether to post everyone’s names that came to see me. I don’t want to forget. But I also don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable … those who came and those who didn’t know, couldn’t come, etc.

So, for those who came, please know how much it meant to me. THANK YOU! I was feeling so lost and frightened. Your love and concern was a big boost to my spirits. Thank you for the flowers, for the gifts to help with my therapy, for the treats, for the chocolate, for the food, for helping me look pretty, for everything! And for those of you couldn’t come, please know how much your expressions of concern and sympathy meant later on. I love you all!

In between visits from loved ones, I had visits from doctors. And more doctors. And more doctors. I had an ER doctor, an internist, a neurologist, and a few others; I couldn’t keep them all straight. I had another CT scan and an MRI. Basically their news confirmed my stroke. Also, the brain bleeding was stopping; YAY!! Wonderful news, what a blessing. But still there were no answers: Why me? Why now? What happens next?

For the next few days in the hospital the tests seemed endless. The doctors didn’t know why I had the stroke in the first place. No, I didn’t have high blood pressure. No, I wasn’t overweight or out of shape. No, I don’t smoke. No, I’m not old and suffering from poor health. So, their conclusion: a fluke or bad genetics. Oh thanks; how comforting!

To confirm their preliminary diagnosis, they administered tests to see if I had any other weak veins that might rupture and bleed. They had decided that I might have an AVM (arterio-venal malformation.) Basically, a weak blood vessel that ruptured. And if there was one of these, there might be more.

The post-stroke therapy was almost as intense as the testing. Stroke victims need to start working on developing new patterns right away and the hospital didn’t waste any time.

I was visited by a speech therapist. My slurred speech was rapidly improving, but thinking was difficult in my fog, and trying to speak was challenging.

I was visited by physical therapists. Two of them helped me out of bed and tried to get me to walk around the nurses’ station. This was so hard! I wasn’t able to do it without help and I would tire and start to cry about half way along their sixty-foot route. I “got” to do this about 3-4 times a day.

I was also supposed to be visited by an occupational therapist. I had no idea what an occupational therapist was, so when he didn’t show up at first, I wasn’t too concerned. It turns out this particular therapist helps with your hands and arms and learning to do fine motor skills again. My arm was my most damaged part of my body from the stroke. So, yes, I needed my occupational therapist! Luckily, my doctors were great advocates in making sure I finally started this therapy too.

All of these people coming in and out was a blessing. It was a wonderful distraction that helped me start to see through the fog. I visited, I did my therapy, I went for tests… I just responded to all that was happening. It was hard to think and scary to think, so I mostly didn’t. And through all of this, for all the days in the hospital, Larry stayed by my side. He was my fog light and I can’t imagine what it would have been like without him.

On Monday, after only two full days in the hospital, I got the “good news.” The doctors felt I was functioning well enough to go home. I could leave that day. They thought I’d be pleased.

I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. Are you kidding me? Go home? I wasn’t all better! I wasn’t even close! I couldn’t walk on my own! I couldn’t even comb my own hair! I could barely even think through the fog! They didn’t even know yet if I’d have another stroke! I thought I’d go home walking. I thought I would go home healed, or at least mostly so. I thought I’d have answers that would help me feel confident that I would never go through this again. I thought I would go home when I was ready. I DIDN’T FEEL READY!! I cried again as I had so many times in the hospital. This was so overwhelming!

Larry was with me but I felt scared and very alone. I wasn’t ready to face the world outside the hospital. I wasn’t ready to be at home and try to live life again. They had been telling me I would be in the hospital for at least a week. I was mentally set for that. No! I don’t want to go, yet!

I was such an emotional mess that the doctors agreed to have me stay one more day. For a day-and-a-half the physical therapy continued and I finally started the occupational therapy. Larry kept telling me this was good news, that I’m healing quicker than expected. Larry helped me think about the future, shining the light through the fog.

By Tuesday evening I had just enough courage to gather myself together emotionally and step from a wheelchair into our car to go home. I still didn’t feel in any condition to go home and pretend I could handle “real life.” But now I had grasped the awful truth: life as I knew it was over. A new life lay ahead and it was time to live it. All I could do was turn to my Heavenly Father, “Please help!”

Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit Hole

Saturday, Feb. 27, 2010

If you ever want fast attention at the ER, tell them you think you’ve had a stroke. I’ve been to the ER before so I went in assuming I would be sitting for a while. Nope. They had me meet with a nurse who took my blood pressure, asked me to smile (I guess my left side wasn’t working), asked a few questions, and that was it. I was put in a wheel chair and they literally ran down the hall with me. I was taken to a room where they helped me get into one of those lovely hospital gowns as fast as they could and then I was put on a gurney. Again, it was a race down the hall.

Apparently when you have a stroke, they need to diagnose it very quickly to determine whether the stroke is caused by a blood clot (an ischemic stroke) or bleeding into the brain (a hemorrhagic stroke.) Getting the right medicine quickly can mean the difference between a lifelong handicap and a full recovery. Treating the wrong problem can cause death! Thank goodness I didn’t know that while all the commotion was happening. All I could think was: they’re going to fix me.

I ended up getting a CT scan first. Since I got to the hospital quickly after the stroke they kind of hoped to find a blood clot in my brain. There is medicine that can help break up a clot and reduce or even completely avoid damage to the brain—but only if taken within the first few hours.

So, I had my scan and waited for the verdict. After reviewing the scans and talking to a neurosurgeon, the ER doctor came in with the news. Yes, I had experienced a stroke. No, it wasn’t a blood clot. 85% of stoke victims have blood clot strokes, but not me. I had a hemorrhagic stroke. Basically this means that a blood vessel in my brain ruptured and was bleeding. The neurosurgeon said that the rupture was deep in the right side of my brain—too deep to operate without causing permanent brain damage or death. All we could do was wait and hope for the bleeding to stop soon.

Seriously? All we could do is wait?! I burst into tears.

But that wasn’t really all they could do. They could also make sure my blood pressure wasn’t so high that I was making the bleeding worse. I might have been hyperventilating just a bit. I felt like totally freaking out!

They hooked me up to an IV and attached electrode wires all over my body. They put an oxygen tube in my nose. And they wrapped a blood pressure cuff on my arm. I was a mess of wires. They gave me some blood pressure medicine as a precaution. Then the terrible waiting began.

Unbeknownst to me, Larry (husband), out of town in Mexico City, was from time to time getting updates on my condition from his dad (also Larry). Since I last spoke with him on the phone from home he’d cancelled all his commitments and started trying to get home to me. It was late in the afternoon in Mexico but he still hoped that maybe, somehow, he could get home by late tonight. Larry grabbed a colleague with a car to drive him from his meetings back to his hotel. He crammed everything into his suitcase, and raced for the airport, talking non-stop to travel agents, airlines, and private jet companies. He was still looking for his best option when his colleague dropped him at the airport, stranded and feeling as alone as he’d ever been.

Eventually Larry had to accept two pieces of bad news: First, despite all his efforts, he couldn’t get home today. His best option was to take the last flight to the US tonight, flying through Los Angeles with a five hour layover that wouldn’t allow him to get to the hospital until 9am tomorrow. Second, he learned what I hadn’t fully understood. If the bleeding stopped, he’d be holding me in the morning. If it didn’t…

My in-laws were there with me all this time. The nurses came and checked on me and on all the monitors to make sure I wasn’t getting worse. I’m so grateful to Larry and Nancy. They were great help emotionally and asked all the questions that I wanted answered but couldn’t think to ask myself.

I was fully into what I would call my “foggy brain” stage of the stroke—a stage that would last for months. I just couldn’t think well. I had a hard time saying the things I felt hovering in the back of my brain or responding to questions. Verbalizing my fears or needs was difficult. I was starting to feel like I was observing everything, including myself, rather than directly experiencing it all. I was still scared, but a little detached, like it wasn’t real.

I finally thought to have Nancy give me my cell phone to call my mom. Earlier I mentioned that Larry called me at home on the landline. This turned out to be significant. When I was at home gathering the things I needed for the hospital, I grabbed my cell phone; or I thought I did. I actually put our cordless phone in my purse! That didn’t work so well in the hospital.

Actually, it probably was better that I didn’t have my phone. Between my foggy brain and my tendency to cry frequently, talking was difficult. So, I had my father-in-law, Larry, call family. Besides keeping husband Larry informed, he called Tiffany, and all my siblings and Larry’s brothers.

He called Tiffany because he couldn’t get hold of my mom. I hadn’t wanted to worry my kids. What could they do? Kyle was at BYU going to a girl’s choice dance that night and I didn’t want to interrupt that. Devin was at a ballroom competition in Idaho. Larz was in Logan attending Utah State. I thought I was sparing them all needless worry. I should have known that my hubby would call all our kids to let them know what was happening and calm their fears.

Since Kyle was the closest, a few blocks away from the hospital in the dorms at BYU, he showed up quickly having cancelled his date. I felt bad about that. When he arrived, we now had two priesthood holders present. Kyle had recently been ordained an elder before going to college. He gave his first priesthood blessing to his sick mom. It was beautiful and very comforting—and powerful. He was so calm and collected as he gave this blessing; he’d had plenty of experience watching his dad do this at home. What a wonderful experience in the middle of all this uncertainty! Afterwards, I wasn’t as fearful of what was to come.

At the hospital, my sister Cherie arrived as well as my son, Larz, who had driven down from Logan to be with me! I was so grateful and so humbled that everyone would stop their busy lives and run to the hospital. It was just a little stroke, after all (thought my foggy brain). What a wonderful family I have.

After about five hours in the ER room, the doctors finally decided it was safe to move me to an intermediate care room. I was starting to feel like everything might turn out alright (foggy brain) despite having slurred speech, trouble moving my left arm and leg, and difficulty thinking. After all, I’ve got my family and I’m in the hospital where everything gets fixed, right? In my new room, with my new hope, I fell asleep, exhausted, foggy, worried but at peace.

While I slept, Larz spent the night on a chair in my room ready to comfort me. And somewhere far away Larry sat on an airplane in the dark, and later in a cold, deserted LAX airport wondering what he might find when he arrived back home.

Starting Over

The Story of My Stroke:

Part 1: The Experience

They say a cat has nine lives. I’ve never given much thought to that really. But I know that I’ve got at least two. This is my story of one of those lives ending and another beginning.

Chapter 1: My Weekend

Wow, a weekend to myself. This never happens! Larry has meetings in Mexico City. Larz and Kyle are off to college. And Devin is heading to Idaho for Ballroom competitions with his team. What will I do with myself?

I’m a very independent woman; I like having time to myself. So, lots of ideas were floating through my head. Pampering? Shopping? Just being lazy…. I love my family and being with them, but having a weekend to myself was a fun little treat—a mini-vacation.

Friday, February 27, 2010 started off great, with lots of fun plans. I went to Dream Dinners and made a bunch of meals for the family. I love that place, yummy meals that taste like homemade. Then I went out with my sister, Robin and her daughters. We went shopping for wedding dresses for Caitlin. Caitlin looked so pretty!

Later that afternoon, I treated myself to a meal with my good friends, Julie & Melinda. It was just a fun day, spending time with people I care about. No pressure to hurry my visits. I went home and spent a nice quiet evening at home, pampering myself with a warm bath, my favorite reading, and brief talk with Larry in Mexico.

The next morning, I was lazy and slept in, awaking to a bright day. As I lay in bed I thought I might wander the mall, maybe even get a massage. After a really slow morning, I finally coaxed myself into heading downstairs to our little exercise room to workout before going to play. I’d been working real hard for the past couple of months getting toned. I’d lost 10 pounds and wanted my body to be ready for hiking in Waterton this summer.

I turned on some favorite exercise tunes and started using the Bowflex. For some reason, I was struggling with getting the machine to work right. It seemed confusing and difficult. I switched to free weights and started doing a few curls. I had only done a couple when my arm dropped the weight. That’s weird. I picked it up again, and dropped it again. I picked it up again and this time told my hand, “Grip it; grip it!” Again my hand failed, the weight dropped, and this time my left leg gave out too! I crashed into the wall, feeling like I’d been thrown against it. (I later discovered a nasty bruise on my shoulder.)

Now I was a little worried. I lay on the floor and cried. My body was betraying me and I couldn’t understand what was wrong. I said a little prayer that I would be okay and would be able to get back up. As I tried to figure out what was wrong, I had a fleeting thought, “stroke?” But dismissed it even before the thought really registered. I’m too young!(I'm only 46.)

I decided I must have pinched a nerve or I just lifted the weights wrong and damaged something. My left arm and leg still weren’t working, so I crawled up the stairs. I went to the couch and decided to watch some Olympics. I felt foggy and couldn’t focus on the TV. I thought, I’ll just go take a nap and I’ll be okay.

I woke up just minutes later to the phone ringing. My mother-in-law, Nancy, was calling me. We don’t talk on the phone much since we do most of our visiting in person, so I wasn’t sure why she would be calling. I don’t remember what she said. It didn’t make much sense to me. Apparently I didn’t make much sense to her either.

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just tired.”

She responded back, “You aren’t alright. I can’t understand a thing you are saying. We are coming right over.”

Secretly, I was so relieved to hear those words. But, they also scared me. I had to face the reality that something bad might be happening.

I texted Larry in Mexico, “I’m scared. My arm won’t work.” He had just stepped off the stage after finishing a speech. I guess I scared him too. He called me right back on the home line. Larry tried to find out what was wrong but struggled to understand me. I was slurring my words with him. After asking yes and no questions, Larry told me that he thought I had had a stroke. He told me he had to hang up and get me help to go to the hospital. I broke into tears. I couldn’t go to the hospital! I was alone! You don’t go to the hospital when your family isn’t there to support you! And only really sick people go to the hospital. I didn’t want to be that really sick person. I told him I wasn’t going to go, but we both knew I would. I was so scared!

Larry planned to call an ambulance but called his parents first so they could be there for me at the hospital. When they answered he found that they were already on their way to our house and he asked them to rush me to the emergency room. He told them his guess that I’d had a stroke.

My in-laws, Larry (senior) and Nancy, arrived just a minute or two later and found me struggling through my tears, doing my best to gather the things I thought I might need at the hospital. Larry’s dad helped me out to their car and drove me to the hospital. I wanted to be back by evening but I had a feeling that I was falling down the rabbit hole. How deep would it go?

And They Danced...

January and February are filled with Ballroom competitions. All focused on getting ready for the National Competition in March at BYU. So we spent many weekends watching the boys dance. It was fun to see them improve; to place in a competition one week, not as well the next. Judging is a very fickle thing. I often would think they danced great and then they wouldn't make the cut. And then, I'd think, "They've danced better," and they'd make it to the final cut! I can't figure it out.

But, it was fun to watch and bittersweet knowing this may be the end of Kyle's ballroom time. Who knows if he dance again after his mission?

Devin's Team at Nationals
It's a fun Bollywood routine.
He is on the front left. His hair is dyed brown.

Now do you see him? Right in the center.

He's the front middle guy.

Devin and Amy competing.


They did great!

Kyle's Last Dance...maybe
Kyle and Megan
Doesn't he look sharp in his new tail suit?



They danced beautifully!
I could have watched them "Dance All Night."
Yes, I am humming the music from My Fair Lady.

Nationals showed off all their hard work.

Then the season ends. Oh wait,
One last thing...

Spring Concert.

Waltzing...

Then a sexy tango.

A little samba fun

Then my favorite...
my boys dancing in the same routine together,
for the first time!

Thanks for stepping in to help, Kyle.
It made for a wonderful memory.


To the Dance!

Mission? Where is Kyle going?

Our next big family event was...Kyle! Getting ready for a mission. Wisdom teeth pulled during Christmas break. Shots in January. Lots of interviews. And on February 2...the letter arrived! Where is Kyle going? Lots of family and friends came over to share in the excitement.

So he's going to Brazil!

Uncle Jeff and Uncle Mitch are very happy!


Sao Paulo, Brazil....here comes Kyle!

Christmas 2009

This may be our last Christmas with the whole family for a while. Actually, we weren't supposed to have Christmas with the Norris family, and we didn't. But, they did surprise us and join us for New Year's. I count anytime during the holidays as Christmas time. So, we were spoiled. Thanks Tiffany and Andrew for joining us before Kyle left us for two years.

Christmas PJs

Kyle got a Tail-suit for Ballroom

Devin got a camera

Larz got a new suit...sharp dressed man!

Larry & Cathy got a few gifts too...
But our favorite gift is...
just having the family all together.



Merry Christmas!

Catch Up: Isn't this a common post for everyone?

Well, I've been thinking about it for months. And now a year has almost gone by. I have to say, I had a good excuse for getting behind. More on that later. But, if I let more than a year pass by, I may never try to catch up. So here we go....

Thanksgiving

We hosted Thanksgiving this year. Our house was full of family! It was great.

Tiffany and Taylor came a little early and we had them for a whole week. Andrew joined us closer to Thanksgiving.

It was a "Macfarlane year" for the dinner, but we were lucky to have time with both sides of the family. Jeff and Donna and Mom and Dad came over the weekend before Thanksgiving. We spent the first half of the week with the Mercers and the second half with Macfarlanes. John and Naomi made it up from Las Vegas; the whole family was there! We also had some bonus family members: Uncle Romney and Aunt Kathleen.

These five ran the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning.
It was freezing! I think the runners were much
better off than the watchers.

Then we had family pictures!
Yes, it was a busy day.

Then, I was busy cooking, preparing, etc. So, no pics of our dinner. Sorry.

Tiffany and Andrew and Taylor were going to Alabama for Christmas;
here's a little early Christmas celebration.
Taylor loved it!

A thank you hug!
What a joy!

Yes, we still all love to watch Taylor.

A favorite family pass-time.

It's always so wonderful to have family around. It is the best blessing of Thanksgiving.

Devin Turns 16

Okay. It's time do some catching up.

In October, our youngest turned 16. He's very excited...dating, driving, a little more independence. He had a great party with friends. It's fun to watch these important stages in our son's life.

We actually celebrated twice.
Dinner with family at the Spaghetti Factory on the actual birthday.

Heavy, heavy hangover...

And another party on the weekend with friends.
Pizza anyone?

Devin's choice of "birthday cake."

Had to share this too.
The next day was Halloween.

Devin as Neo from the Matrix.

Major week of spoiling. :-)